Cos I don't want to be alone when I'm in this state
by Notasitseems-x
Summary: Luc/Eddi. Set after 'Chasing Demons.' "From time to time he had questioned his decision but right then, he was left in no doubt it was the right one. He'd take solitude created through choice over abandonment any day."


Disclaimer: I own nothing. Wish I owned Luc/Eddi though because I would have never done that to them.

My heart is broken. So I wrote this. It turned out slightly differently to how I imagined, the focus being on Luc and his past rather than Eddi's struggle on her addiction, but I hope it eventually does what a fixit should. It is in the same universe as my other fics, you don't have to read them to read this, but the first date fic "Before Ikea" is vaguely referenced.

Credit: First to **QuestionablyInsane **for her lovely Beta skills. Secondly to **AlittlebitofLeddi **(really I just want to make you review me again :P.) No, in all seriousness I know it is explicitly mentioned in "Wise men" but the Freud thing was highlighted by this blog, so credit! Also Michael manifests the idea that Hanssen and Luc knew each before Holby. An interesting viewpoint I think, so I slipped it it but it wasn't originally mine! Thirdly to band **Daughter **the title of this fic is a line from their beautiful song 'Run'. (I think Daugher is secretly a Luc/Eddi shipper, goodness know half of her songs of relevant!

Enough of my ramble, please read and I wold love to hear your reviews, Thank you!

* * *

So that was it, she had left him. Eddi Mckee had left the runaway. He'd tried himself to flee but had failed. He had been drawn back to her because he'd let his guard and allowed her in. But now she had dealt the last blow, played him at his own game and won. For all their banter and attempts to get one over on the other, Eddi had pulled the trump card and left **him**. A mixture of nausea and awe sat heavily in his churning stomach.

As he stood in the car park alone he was acutely reminded of why he never let himself get attached to anyone: because of the gap created when they leave. It was the worst feeling in the entire world and one he hadn't felt in an age because of his detached, adventurer lifestyle. From time to time he had questioned his decision but right then, he was left in no doubt it was the right one. He'd take solitude created through choice over abandonment any day. He'd watched her drive out of his life just like he'd watched his Mum and then Dad go all those years before, and with her departure drained all feeling, until he was all he was left with was absence, which sat heavier than any trial she or anyone else could throw at him. The sense of loss was too much for him to process: How could he fix something that wasn't there? _  
_

She'd always said they were toxic. Now he was beginning to believe there was a truth in her words.

They'd proven they couldn't live with each other. But he didn't think he'd enjoy life much without her either.

He spent that evening up in the park alone, (_what a contrast from last time when you brought her chocolate cake and pretty candles._) Just watching the city and imagining the mundane familiar things people were doing down there. It settled him slightly to be apart from it real life. It reminded him that he didn't have to be like everyone else, and if he wasn't like everyone else then he didn't have to feel pain. (_What about the fact it feels like someone has ripped your heart out with their bare fingernails?) "Irrelevant"_ he scolded himself. Eventually the chill of the night overruled it all and brought with it a familiar clinical detachment.

She may have chipped away at his robot like exterior but she hadn't broken it. (_She couldn't have, she musn't have.)_

OOO

"So, Luc,"

He looked up from the patient notes he'd been scrutinizing, eyes wide, completely out of it.

"Hmm yes?"

"I erm... Are you doing anything tonight? I mean we could get together, have a beer, I mean, drink. And play poker, or rather you can thrash me at poker. We haven't done that for a while." Sacha trailed off very aware of how terribly that had gone.

Luc for the most part was vacant and shut him down with a half excuse before sidling off.

"I, I'm busy."

"Yes Eddi, he's coping fine" he muttered under his breath with a shake of his head.

OOO

On the seventh day he finally gathered up any reminders of her from his camper van into a plastic bag. He considered his pillow briefly before snatching it up and ripping the cover from it, refusing to give in and inhale her scent for the last time. He threw it in his laundry basket before grabbing his keys, the incriminating bag and headed into work.

"I thought that you may have some contact with her, I know how close you are" he explained briskly before stalking off.

Sacha stood dumbly having been unable to say anything, the bag hanging limply in his hands.

OOO

It was another month before he went to see his Uncle.

"Luc" he rasped in surprise, as he opened the door "come in, come in!"

Uncle Jack lived in a small village just outside of Salisbury, about an hour and half from Holby. He'd moved there after Luc had left home, with his wife, Luc's Aunt Maggie who had passed away 4 years ago. Luc knew Jack missed her greatly, he knew he did too. They were a lovely couple who had only ever tried to show Luc welcome and warmth. They had tried to help him through the fallout of his parents, but he had just closed up so tightly that it had taken many years before they'd prised the lid open, even then he'd remained closed to almost everyone. How ironic that the only person since who had come anywhere close to getting him to open up, had only deserted him in the end.

Uncle Jack ushered him in, as hospitable as ever despite the fact Luc hadn't visited him since he'd first moved to Holby. He tried to apologize it was only polite after all, but Jack brushed it off.

"Oh you're a busy man, so much to see, so much to do; I wouldn't expect you to run after a silly old fool like me."

Jack was 72, apart natural signs of aging, and the experiences of a lifetime which he carried on his shoulders, he looked good on it. He had most of his hair which had retained its mousy brown colour. He was of a tall and slim build, kept that way by a brisk half hourly walk each morning. _"With a Doctor for a nephew what else do you expect me to do?" _He always teased.

They sat in his front room, Jack on his recliner and Luc on the fussy floral two piece settee, drank their tea and just chatted.

Dusk was falling a pinkness bleeding into the sky, visible through the net curtains when Luc asked if he could stay.

"I don't have a shift tomorrow and I don't fancy driving in the dark" he explained to his mug of tea. If he'd glanced at his Uncle he would have seen the first smile on that face in over four years.

"I'll make up the spare bed" was all he said.

Right then, it was all Luc needed.

OOO

Jack stood at the kitchen sink washing the breakfast pots and surreptitiously watching his nephew who was hard at work in the garden. The word Cathexis floated into his mind, something from his teaching days. He was only a lowly comp teacher but had taught evening psychology classes at the local polytechnic and Luc had been one of the pupils. It was a Freudian concept: "_the process of putting all your mental or emotional energy into one thing_."

He knew something was wrong with his nephew, he didn't need Freud's help for that. It wasn't just the fact he hadn't visited in a while - Luc wasn't the type to only drop by when he wanted or needed something. When you live with someone for long enough you become very good at reading them, and as he had lived with Luc during one of the hardest phrases of his life, he was for the most part an open book to Jack. However, it had taken him and Maggie a lot longer to work out how to respond to their nephew, how to handle him. Jack just wished he had her to help him now, had her to share this with. It also helped that it wasn't her brother and his wife who had in turn walked out on their only son. Luc's mother had left first; she'd left a brief note saying she was unable to cope anymore, unable to pretend she was happy in her marriage. His father followed shortly after, unable to manage his career and a son. Jack gripped the sponge he was holding in attempt to displace some of the anger he still felt towards his younger brother. It had all been laid to rest as best it could a long time ago, but Jack still found it hard to understand how anyone could abandon their own child. For him and Maggie just being able to conceive children would have been a gift. But instead they were left with the consequences of a broken family: an unhappy, parentless 12 year old boy, and no answers to give him.

The sound of a phone ringing diverted Jack's attention and he went to investigate. It was an unfamiliar tone: _Luc's_, he guessed. He found the shrieking vibrating device discarded under the desk in the spare room. Frowning, Jack went to pick it up – an unrecognized number. After a moment of uncertainty in which he flicked between _answer or not _several times, he eventually pressed the green button.

"Hello L..."

"Oh you've picked up finally! Sacha told me you bolted Holby, I just wanted to... hey hang on, that's not Luc is it?" The female voice sounded flustered and rushed.

"No, it isn't. This is Luc's Uncle, Luc is busy at the moment."

"His Uncle, oh wow, that's why you picked up, I mean if he's ignored the first 64 calls he isn't going to answer the 65th" she mumbled and he guessed it was more to herself than to him.

"Can I take a message perhaps? Or better still, perhaps you might be able to tell me why my Nephew has appeared on my doorstep out of the blue, with the same haunted expression on his face after his parents left him over 20 years ago."

There was a deathly silence and Jack knew he'd hit a nerve, his instincts had been right. He could hear Maggie frowning disapprovingly and reproaching him for interfering: _"The best way to lure anything out of the cave it's hiding in is to starve it of what it craves most."_ What they hadn't banked on was Luc being such a stubborn soul. This time, Jack was adamant that he wasn't going to let him let whatever it was that was bothering him fester.

"I erm, my name is Eddi. Your nephew and I, Luc and I, worked together at Holby..."

OOO

"I've mowed the lawn, weeded, trimmed the hedges and cut down the ivy that had buried the bottom gate, so you have something that resembles a garden again Uncle. Honestly you should just get someone in, it isn't too expensive."

"That's great son thank you, and I was going to do it myself I'm not that incapable. Why don't we have a cup of tea?"

"You look serious, Uncle Jack. What's happened?" he asked warily.

"I think we should talk. You can avoid it all you like, but I think you came here because secretly, underneath all the armour you wear, you do actually want to talk about Eddi Mckee."

Luc's eyes widened in astonishment.

"Did she call you? How did she get your number?"

"That's not important, let's sit down" Jack insisted firmly.

Luc sat on the edge of the sofa hands clasped at his knees. He felt like a teenager again, and his Uncle and Aunt had called him into the living to talk about something or other, all on in an attempt to try to get him to "open up."

Jack appeared a few moments later with two mugs of hot strong tea. A little milk no sugar, just the way he liked it. (_Eddi always made your tea too weak, but you never complained.)_

"So," he began as he lowered himself slowly into his chair, "you and Eddi were close?"

"Yes"

"You had feelings for her?

"Yes."

"She left."

"Yes."

Jack sighed and tried a different tact.

"She sounds rough, like's she having a tough time"

"Yes, well a drug addiction will do that to you."

He tutted.

"Luc, don't do this, don't revert to curt comments and sarcasm."

He didn't reply, just gulped the scalding tea.

Jack changed tact again.

"Alright, you've won. Maybe you have finally achieved what you've striven to get, for so long. Maybe you really don't feel anything unlike the rest of us mortals."

That did it. Luc stared at him, his natural argumentative streak bubbling to the surface.

"They left, it was terrible, that's it. Just because I feel it doesn't make it go away. Every single day I see pain because of suffering and death and it is awful. I ignore it because that's what I do Uncle Jack. I ignore it because what is there otherwise? They left, they left and gave no explanation. With illness, and actions and death I can try to explain that to patients and their families, and I can even sometimes ease it. All that I'm left with is absence and just one explanation: Me."

Jack nodded.

"And Eddi?"

"I'm angry, mostly."

"Why are you angry, son?"

He laughed bitterly.

"Where would you like me to start? It is all such a sorry mess. I'm angry with her for leaving. I'm angry at myself for hurting her, for leaving her and then letting her go. But mostly I'm angry because I didn't fix things..."

"...and?"

Luc rubbed at his face.

"Are you really going to make me say it?" He asked miserably.

"Will it make you feel better?"

"How could it possibly make me feel better? Saying it won't bring her back. I "felt" with her and look where that has left me. She made her decision, she chose her brother over me. She was right: I am toxic, and I make everyone I love leave me."

Unable to face the reality of his own words, he ran. His mug was left haphazardly on the bare wood. Jack was left dazed and tired but accomplished. He quickly tidied the mug on to a coaster; he didn't think even getting Luc to talk like this would quell Maggie's anger at having rings on her favourite coffee table.

OOO

He was propped up in bed, his thick rimmed reading glasses in place and skimming the latest Dick Francis novel when the front door opened. He waited for the noises of Luc locking up and sorting himself out to subside, and then he heard slow heavy steps rise to the second floor.

He appeared in the doorway, shivering.

"Night Uncle Jack" he said quietly, subdued.

"Luc," he commanded laying his book aside and removing his specs, "come and sit down here." He patted the space next to him.

"Your Aunt always did this better than me," he began when Luc had reluctantly shuffled towards the bed, "but I will try anyway. Have you ever considered that maybe people leave us because in their own mind they think it's for the best? We don't all have superb, correct, first time judgement like you son. Eddi told me she left because she didn't want to hurt you and that one day she would like to see you again. Maybe you just need to trust her. And I know your father always stood by the excuse that he didn't think he was a good parent. Their reasoning doesn't make it right, but it doesn't mean that you're the reason they left."

Luc made no reply, just stared at his boots and Jack wasn't entirely sure if his words had penetrated that mysterious brain, never mind had an effect.

"Do you fancy a hot chocolate?" He asked after a while.

The change in conversation startled Jack but didn't surprise him.

"Oh okay then, yes thank you Luc. You certainly look as though you could do with one: you're frozen to the bone. I'll go and put on a pan of milk"

A hand on his arm still his attempts to get out of bed.

"No, let me." He was almost out of the bedroom when he hovered in the doorway, hesitant.

"Thank you" he said turning around. "I don't think I ever said that to you or Aunt Maggie in all the time I lived with you. But I mean it."

It wasn't the just words, but the emotion with which they were spoken, that caused Jack to smile his second genuine smile in a long time for the second time that weekend.

OOO

Luc returned to Holby on Sunday morning just in time for his shift.

He'd been given a lot to think about, or rather he'd been force to face up to all the things he'd been stubbornly ignoring up until to now. His Uncle had been right, in the back of his mind he'd gone to see him because he did want to talk, and Jack was the only person who could help. Of course going about it his way may have resulted in him taking that sabbatical from work and at least 6 months lapsing before he'd even murmur her name. Jack had taken a slightly more direct approach; (_just like her)_ one Luc knew he needed, however much he disliked it.

At present what he and Eddi had shared was torturous, dangerous and toxic. He could no longer deny that. _(You've believed it for a while, you just refused to see it). _They'd tried to love but all they ended up doing was hurting. He'd wanted to fix her but in reality; she needed to fix herself. Just like he needed to stop blaming himself. Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't. But admitting it was the first step.

OOO

"Luc! Good to see you, ready and raring to go for whatever delights another shift have in store for us?"

His first response would have been wide-eyed shock at such an explicitly friendly greeting, but he'd known Sacha a while now, so it was easier to turn it into a sarcasm laced smile.

"Of course, how could I refuse a DIY inflicted injury and the man over there who is clearly the dirty, unpleasant, older brother of The Proclaimers" he deadpanned. Just at that moment the patient in bed 2 threw some heavily slurred insult at the nurse who was trying to take his obs, in a Scottish accent so thick it rendered it unintelligible.

They grimaced at each other.

"It's at times like these I wish Eddi were here..." Sacha's sentence trailed off at the implications of what he'd just said.

"No you're right, Nurse Mckee was the queen of the difficult patient." He conceded before scanning the notes in his hand and bracing himself for the encounter ahead. "Oh" he turned back with an afterthought "time for a quick drink after shift, I know it'll be late but...?"

Sacha blinked at that unexpected turn.

"Ah well yes I'd love to, I'll let Chrissie know I'll be home later in that case."

OOO

Luc studied his cards pondering on what his next move should be.

"Apparently Eddi is starting a temporary nursing job tomorrow."

That caught him off guard; never during any of their time spent together did Sacha mention her. It wasn't a rule, Luc just never asked and Sacha never offered.

At his non response he tried to explain.

"I just thought you might want to know, I know you never talk about her. But it is a big step for her now, and I know that you cared."

"Care" Luc corrected not taking his eyes off his cards.

"I'm sorry?"

"You said it in the past tense, which implies I no longer care." He explained toneslessly.

"Oh" he answered lamely, once again on the wrong foot. "But you never mention her."

Luc frowned.

"Just because I never mention her doesn't mean I don't care."

"Luc, it's been a year, if you care why are you still sat in Holby playing cards with a daft codger like me?"

Luc just smiled and laid down his cards.

"Time. It is the Queen of all." He quipped mysteriously, gesturing to his hand of 3 female sovereigns.

Sacha sighed as he lost another round, and yet another conversation with the confusing man in front of him.

OOO

"I have to go now Uncle, I'll speak to you tomorrow. Try the plumber again in the morning, it'll just have to be buckets for tonight by the sounds of it... Yes that's right ... the bats have been particularly active this week thanks to this spell of warm weather."

Luc ended the call and set up camp – a blanket, a torch, and a flask of tea. He paused and considered the city. These days it evoked very different feelings in him. Yes he liked to be alone; it was the way he'd been since he was 12. He couldn't change who he was – strange, lonely, awkward in social situations, blissfully ignorant and maddeningly stubborn. But he could accept those things and the emotions he felt without it drowning him so much he had to run away. At first he had considered fleeing Holby like she had, but in the end he realised he had something here. He had a familiar job, a couple of friends and memories of one of the only good things in his life. Eddi Mckee. He hoped that he'd be able to make more memories with her, but he'd come to accept that she'd walked out of his life for both of their sakes and it was her who needed to come back of her own accord. He couldn't force her back, he just had to trust to her. Just like he trusted the bats would come out to hunt for the midges that hung around the park in swarms. He smiled and reached for his torch, ready to spot.

After seeing dozens of bats often in pairs, flit in and out of the trees for at least half an hour he decided on a tea break.

"I hope you've saved me a cup."

He nearly dropped the flask at the sound of her voice.

He almost didn't dare turn around, but he was glad he did. It was hard to see her fully in the darkness but he could see her smile, see her healthy figure and her glossy hair which was still light and long, gripped back at the sides.

"I thought you were more of an Irish coffee type girl" he quipped in attempt to keep the emotion out of his voice.

She laughed,

"and I thought you were more of a bitter lemon sort of guy."

He toasted his cup to her at her quick as ever comeback.

"For nights like this, tea all the way."

OOO

They sat huddled under a blanket on the ledge that dropped away underneath them down the hillside, Holby ever-present in front of them. Eddi had recounted her year: the ups and downs of trying to get clean. She didn't leave anything out, and he admired for her that – she could have just glossed over it but she hadn't. He felt that maybe it was her way of showing him that he had been better off out of it after all. He didn't entirely agree but it was clear she was healing now for which he was glad. She'd spent time with professional people who could help her properly, and had the chance to reconnect with her brother and face all the fears and causes that had led her to turn to the Comoxodin in the first place.

"Your Uncle is a lovely man," she commented after a while.

He looked at her startled.

"You've kept in contact?"

"Ever since that day he answered your phone, yeah. After I told him what happened, I was upset and he gave me his number saying that I was more than welcome to give him a call anytime." She fiddled with her cup "and after the Counsellors, Doctors, and Liam it was kinda nice to have someone so... normal to talk to and..." she paused perhaps in fear of saying too much.

He regarded her expectantly.

"...and someone who was close to you."

He nodded not entirely sure what to say.

"It was all such a car crash, wan't it?" He concluded trying to be matter of fact about it all, but he couldn't stop the little tag question, asking, seeking her reassurance.

"I think we met in the wrong circumstances, yes. But I also think that if it meant that we're were both a little healed because of it, then it might not have been a bad thing." She paused again. "Your Uncle said the same. He...he, told me everything."

"I bet he did." Luc squirmed uncomfortably hating the turn this was taking, strongly aware of just what he had revealed to his uncle all those months ago. He knew how he felt, but he had no idea about her. He couldn't read her mind or see into her soul. She wasn't a bat to be observed or a tell in poker to work out. She was Eddi, and now she had the upper hand once again. She could make or break this, make or break him, and he was completely powerless. Just as he had been as boy, just as he had been last year and just as he was again. He stood up, unable to take much more.

"Eddi, if you've come here to say that this is over forever, then please make it quick. If Jack told you everything then he'll have told you what I said about you, about how I feel." He pleaded, emotion clear in his voice just as it had been that day in the field.

"Luc."

"Eddi please."

"Luc, stop!" She got to her feet and joined him, so that they stood on the same level - face to face.

"Luc, I'm not leaving again, not unless you want me to. Do you want me to?" When he said nothing, she grabbed his downcast face in her hands and made him meet her eyes. "Luc, do you want me to leave? If you do, then, well that's fine. I understand that you don't feel the same." Her voice faltered at the lack of response on his part, but at her tone something clicked inside him, something that had been there all along.

He covered her arms with his own, preventing her from fleeing.

"How could you ever think that? I know I am denser than the medical directory sometimes, but how could you ever think I would want you to leave? You're the only person I've loved who left me and then came back. Why on earth would I want you to go ag...?" He was interrupted as she barrelled towards him her lips fiercely meeting his own. He revelled in her kiss: hot salt mingling with hurt, passion and everything they'd left unsaid. He gathered her to him, cocooning them in the blanket, his arms finding her waist and holding her steady. _(She needed to get herself to that point, but you're the one who can keep her there.)_

As she pulled away she whispered her response so softly he almost believed she hadn't said it at all. He pressed a kiss to her forehead, taking pleasure at being afforded that opportunity, and then rested his head against hers. He could hear her soft breathing, see her eyes shut tightly, a small smile tugging at her lips. His haven, his safe place had returned.

"Come on" he said cheerfully a few moments later, hastily packing everything into his rucksack and slinging it on one shoulder then grabbing her hand.

"Where are we going?" she asked laughing, completely bowled over by the sudden energetic change of direction.

He turned to her just studying her for a second, giving thanks once again that she was here - that he could look at her.

"I don't know," he responded after a moment. "Where do you want to go?"

She shrugged and took his hand.

"As long as you're there, I don't know either."

OOO

Sacha was at the nurses' station filling in a discharge form when Michael appeared.

"Levy, I hope you're ready for a busy day, we're a Doctor down."

"Who?" he asked with a frown.

"Hemmingway. He's managed to get an immediate resignation with Hanssen. God knows how, but he doesn't have to take any leave. I always had my suspicions about those two being cosy, and this basically confirms it. But anyway he's gone. Take a look in the car park if you don't believe me. The monstrosity he calls his home is MIA that's for sure."

Sacha's mood disintegrated as he processed all of this.

"Oh, and this was left for you." he said in way of a final comment.

Michael handed him a manila envelope. His name was scrawled across the front, in what he was sure was Luc's handwriting.

He pocketed it until his break.

_Dear Sacha,_

_By the time you read this I will have left Holby. I know it's something I'm good at, especially without any warning and I know just how horrible it is to be left behind. I like to think that we'll see you again, but for now we need to leave Holby. For me it was okay, but us, we need to find somewhere new, somewhere that is just us: Eddi and I. We need time to just to be alone, to test the waters. I would use some awfully obscure analogy but you haven't got Eddi to translate for you, so I'll just keep it simple._

_I will always be thankful for your friendship Sacha, you're a good man and a good Doctor and it is pleasure to call you a friend. _

_Best wishes,_

_Luc. _

OOO

Luc looked up from the postcard he was writing to his Uncle, and glanced over at Eddi who was laid dozing on a picnic blanket, her face a picture of peace. They were parked in the middle of nowhere, next to some lake in mid to southern France. He knew Eddi liked the pure undiluted beauty of the open landscape, and the thrill of knowing that they were the only people for miles around. It was yet another thing they shared. It was a pleasant afternoon, warm but with a light breeze that caressed, not buffeted. He had taken that sabbatical, so now they could concentrate on them. Work, money, patient drama, petty feuds and childhood traumas could wait. With experience, suffering, and time on his side, he knew he couldn't just rush in head first without a solid grounding. It was about building on it each day, little by little: trust, honesty and love, and in sharing the small things as well as the big ones. In time, the rest would come.


End file.
